Torturing my mama heart

Maybe I am torturing my mama heart.  Maybe.  Just maybe.

The song is on repeat.  I love it!  It makes me fill to overflowing with hope.  It's haunting me too.

Adoption waiting is hard.  Your mind runs wild.  Like a dog freed from his short leash.  Head high, tongue dangling, racing through the tall grass on a summer day. 

Thoughts.



Speaking of "Staycations", right?
This was from a trip a month or so ago.
Just love beach pics...never added them then, adding
them now.

Thoughts of to be's and what if's.

My relationship, created in my brain, with our baby, will always fail to compare to the beautiful love between this mama and baby, that God is delicately orchestrating right. this. moment. 
***insert happy tears***

Because I know that He is sovereign.  And He is working all things for good. And His way is perfect and higher.  Thank goodness for that! 

God is teaching me to fearlessly love.  To love, running forward, waiting, sitting still, open handed, arms stretched wide, heart ready.

Oh my gracious, is there peace and hope and freedom in all this or what!!!!!!

What an awesome God we are so fortunate to love!!!  A Father who loves us with a love unfathomable.

I feel like every part of me should be rebelling against the unmistakable feeling of peace, comfort, and hope that has settled into my bones.

But calm and quiet is  my soul, like a child with his mother is my soul.

The words above make my heart ache, my stomach sink, and my throat grow a knot the size of a grapefruit to keep the tears from flowing. 

My arms feel helpless for they yearn to do their job.  Holding our love.

It has been our constant prayer that our little sweet chunk is held, loved, prayed over, snuggled.  We pray that the amazing people at the orphanage are pouring truth into our child and speaking God's word, teaching and surrounding him/her with His love through the loving hands of the ones caring for our baby. 
And then I realize that that is how I feel in the arms of my Heavenly Father.  Calm and quiet.

Staycations

This is for all of you vactioners who are sitting seaside, painted toes in steamy sand, sun kissed skin, lathering on generous amounts of coconut scented lotions.

This is my own paradise!!!!

You know, they are talking up "Staycations".

I spent a lovely afternoon...

chatting over lunch

skillfully zipping up and down the aisles of a local grocery store

checking out the dessert counter

with three of my very favorite people.

Go on, be mad jealous!!! I don't blame you.

Getting off the Tilter Whirl

Did I mention that we've been on the tilter whirl the last couple months?

I wish I would have snapped a picture of the church sign I passed every morning.  They've since changed it out. 

It read, "Don't put paperwork before people work."

How many times did I read it?  A gazillion.  And each time I read it, I sank a little deeper in the paperwork.  Swallowed.  Guilt ridden.
BUT...

I have the most wonderful husband, y'all!!! 

Our roles had recently been reversed---he was the one sitting, surround by mounds of paper.  It was my turn.

He "got" where I was coming from and was so understanding. 

As I type, my skin stretches and aches a bit from being dry.  Hands new to soapy dish water, thanks to Hubs. 

He has taken on all sorts of responsibilities as I've been cozied up to the computer.

I am beyond grateful!

Last weekend, we celebrated our anniversary.  We certainly needed some time to catch up and just focus on each other on our 4th Honeymoon!

I sipped copious amounts of delicious steaming coffee, such a splurge.




Hubs caught me off guard as I savored my
coffee.

We relaxed like we haven't this year. 

Hubs and I went on long walks together.


We watched from our balcony as construction unfolded below. 

And we prayed that next time we were there, that we would have baby with us.

We indulged in delicious food that neither one of us had to prepare.

We traded tight schedules for down time.

Such a treat!  Such a wonderful way to start the summer!  So thankful!

a screeching halt

Life has come to a screeching halt (in comparison).  I feel like I'm at the front of a long line of people who failed to look forward and everyone has skidded to a standstill at my backside. 

Life has been breezing by at rapid speeds that I've barely a moment to breathe.  Now that summer has officially started, my pace is slowed, my posture more relaxed, and my schedule a bit more flexible.  Good, right? 

Remember that line that's slamming into me?  Ouch!

It's hard going from top speeds to a screeching halt.  That's where I am...putting on the brakes.

Adjusting to this life of leisure is proving to be a challenge.  Did I just say that?

I am only now digesting the days recently passed.

God was (is) so present.  Oh, how He worked (s) in mighty ways.  Hmmmm...

I have never felt God move as He did during the past few months (not only in my life but in the lives of others).

I dug deeper into scripture.

Relied on His word like never before.

Prayed Ceaselessly

Relished in moments of quiet

Thanked Him

Gave Him all the glory

Trusted

Hoped

And those were in times of struggle.  I was so blah that I needed Him to run my day.  I had to hand it over to Him if I wanted to survive the "mess."  You know, God takes that so called mess and makes it clean, shiny, and new. 

:)
What do you see?

It was crystal clear that as I whized through my world, that others were fighting their own battles.  And that their battles were towering mountains compared to my mole hills. 

It's amazing how God provides such comfort during your aches so that you can help bandage the hurts that those you love carry.  Your pain is all relative, I guess.

I suppose I write this to say, that I am so thankful for this time of R & R.  That I am fighting to NOT fill my schedule to the limit so that I can enjoy the break.  And that looking back, I ultimately enjoyed the hard because I had to rely heavily on Him.

During this season of no schedules, sandy feet, and time to do this and that, I want to dedicate a block of time to refining my relationship with God.  I'm hungrier than before.  I've gotten a taste of something so sweet.  I want more.

Thinking back...mid-May

It's been awhile since I've last sat, fingers typing (for the blog at least).  My how the tips of my fingers have missed the not-so rhythmic pattern made striking key after key. 

The past several months have been filled with some high flyin' feelings and some days of the bluey blues. 

God has been so good during these months.  I haven't taken the time/had the time to write things down and so I may not be able to recall all of what has occurred in coherent posts and why it has been such a period of life filled with blessings galore.  Nevertheless, I am going to try my best.

Today, I am starting backwards, at one of the more recent moments.  (Yes, I'm known for being scatter brained.)  This was a particularly sweet season, looking back on it.  Then, not so much.

There's this lady that I have only known 8-9 years.  A Southern belle that I wish I could have seen more often.  A beauty that welcomed us into her room on numerous occasions with a decorative bowl, chocolate overflowing from a stash she wasn't supposed to have.  A treasure to behold in a lady with the most beautiful white locks with glistening silver streaks throughout.  A smile that said, "Sit back and stay awhile.  You're family and my top priority."  A story teller that left you with side splitting belly aching laughs or understanding sliver of a smile.  A blessing in a sweet 93 year old body.

She left this temporary home for her heavenly home on May 18th. 

In the middle of a whirlwind, that was our life at the time, we packed and headed back towards North Alabama to be with the family. 

God gave us some moments that long weekend, rich in love, family, memories, laughter, and tears.  He comforted, reasurred, and set my sights on the important.

It's beyond amazing how God just maps out your daily life underwraps.  You have no way of knowing how the day is to unfold.  He's got it.  I promise.

A slow down...

for gratitude...

to slow and see God's hand in each moment----and give thanks---and praise

to think back...

gain perspective

cherish the moments

Celebrate her life.  

Lessons on Prayer from Madea

I have been thinking a lot about how to teach our child(ren) about having a relationship with God through the Bible and prayer.  Ongoing intimate conversation.

Thanks photobucket!

To be honest, I am kind of nervous about that aspect in raising children.  I feel inept when it comes to my own prayer life.  So how can I teach or lead a growing, all eyes on me, next generation to talk to God?

We regularly pray as a family.  But my prayers don't consist of flowerly, eloquent words or verbiage that possesses healing as it flows effortlessly from my mouth to the ears of babes. 

What if I don't have all the answers?  What if I can't accurately share all the stories from the Bible?  What if?

Knowing that it doesn't matter how I pray, just that I do is the most important thing.  Prayer should be viewed as an act that we have the privilege of doing.  A blessing and gift.  When I think of it as such, I appreciate it and place more emphasis on my prayer life.  A treasure to be found in the close relationship with God the Father.

Hubs and I came across the movie, I can do Bad all by Myself, last night.  In this video clip, Madea teaches about prayer and the Bible.  Watch it!  It's great! 

Our children are listening and absorbing everything we are telling them.  What's the message we are sending them?  No, not everything Madea says is accurate.  But, she's honest and some of the points she makes are valid.  It makes it clear that it doesn't matter how you talk to God.  It does matter that you talk to Him and stay in your Bible.  All that matters is that you give significance to prayer, time with God, and precious time reading the Bible.   Your children will see the importance your faith takes in your life. 

I pray that they will follow our example and that our example will be one worth following.

Sacrificed His life so we could live

I've been reflecting on the Easter weekend.   This Easter was so powerful!!  I was overwhelmed with emotion during each service.   (I know that comes as a big surprise!)

I don't oppose all the fun festivities that come along with Easter.  The egg hunts, fellowship, parties, and eating are certainly gifts in and of themselves.

This year was so focused.  Early last week, my ears clung to every word of this song.  Oh, I hope you'll listen.  They have some amazing, amazing music.   I know y'all know how music really helps me to connect to our Heavenly Father.  It motivates me to dig deep into scripture.  It moves me closer to Him.  And God knows this and He is using it in mighty, mighty ways to open my heart and eyes to see more of him.  I am aching to know more and more.  I want to know more, because I am becoming so much more aware of the love that He has for me.  Me?!?!?!  Yes!  AND you!!!!

He loves this small town Alabama girl who has failed and made way more than my fair share of mistakes.  I am still loved unconditionally.  He is doing a new thing in me!  And I am so very thankful! 

It is so humbling to think that a KING would love me with a love that is unfathomable! 
 

Jesus was shunned by His own daddy, blamed, beaten, battered, humiliated, stripped, and hung on a cross for me and you.  And now, nothing holds us back from Him.  Not sin.  Not failure.  Absolutely nothing. 

He endured such pain that we might be healed.

It's Tuesday's Tune so I know y'all would be beyond disappointed if I didn't point y'all to another song that has been planted so in my heart.  It's a song that God has really gifted me with in the weeks of Lent. 
I mentioned the song here a few weeks ago.   They sang it at church for Easter.  I tried to sing as much as I could, but I was a blubbering baby most of it.  Ha! 

I think I'll have more on the weekend later.  For now, Happy Tuesday, friends!